Myst’s Soapbox:WWE NXT : The Art of Self-Torture

So here I am for another NXT episode. Translation…I’m a masochist.

So we started out with the usual opening. That is to say the rookies came out like they don’t know what the entrance ramp is for. However, I was pretty much able to ignore that. I hope other people do like me, which is tune in and pay careful attention to what William Regal says about the Rookies cause he has been spot on so fair (well except with Lucky, because I still think “Delish—aka The Evil Muppet Pimp” gimmick is pretty awful).

Anyway. . .

So for a moment of weirdness after the entrances, Maryse hugs Titus, and then goes and tries to rub off his oil on Matt Striker. What I find more amazing is instead of Striker dealing with it gracefully he decides to ad-lib on mic and mention Maryse and her rubbing herself off on him? So let’s all pause while you male fans go *fap fap fap* to that! Ok……done? Let’s move on.

“Battle of the Mic” was the first up. Rookies get 20 seconds to verbally disrespect their opponent. Now this competition RIGHT off the bat is almost laughable to me because most of the Rookies can barely describe themselves on the little NXT vignette that are almost 1-2 minutes long and now you want them to suddenly become mic masters on 20 seconds? OK……Right-O by all means then send in the clowns WWE.

Byron Saxton looked like he almost felt sorry for Jacob Novak as Novak started up again with some of the world’s most Rebecca Black like rapping, and promptly forgot how to rhyme the English language. Saxton turned around with the mic and said one silly sentence about diapers, for the win. Frankly the real winner was Regal with his comment about Saxton’s win being like winning the best looking man in prison, there are no winners. Next up Titus O’Neal and Conor O’Brian. O’Brian……oh geez, I think he THOUGHT he was funny, but the giant joke fell stale. Titus follows that up with a hesitation and got timed out, though even with the time out I doubt his completion would have been at all earth shattering. The audience then voted for Hornswoggle, because Titus definitely didn’t bring it. Darren Young got up in Lucky Cannon’s face. But honestly with Cannon’s wacky gimmick and Muppet robe how hard is that really? Lucky came back a bit stronger, taking a shot at the home team—and stopping to hit on Maryse (who screams into her mic like she doesn’t realize it IS indeed a microphone). However Darren does barely scrape by with the win.

So now we’re down to Titus, Byron and Darren…..and in case anyone cares the last of my Cheetos.

Without doubt it was amateur night at the Apollo. I only wish I had a stage hook to pull all three of them out the ring. Not a single one of them was intimidating, logical or even funny. I have heard elementary school kids tell better jokes about each other’s mommas than these three could say about each other. As Triumph the comedy dog would say: “I poop funnier stuff.”

The audience cheered Darren to the win, which makes them either deaf, or plants.

Match time. Finally.

Titus Vs Darren. Good match, as O’Neil and Young are both big athletic guys and Darren with youth on his side is also fairly swift. The ring is really where Darren excels and as I said before he has gotten progressively better. If WWE sprung for some acting lesson for him he’d be the total package. However, WWE is all about who can sell the merchandise and who will the kiddies cheer for so with interference from Hornswoggle, Titus went over with the win. This match and Hornswoggle in general is setting a bad precedence for how WWE is beginning to set things up for the voting. Hornswoggle (despite his floating since parting ways with Finley), is still rather popular with the WWE fan base. Titus is an OK worker, but his age and lack charisma makes me really not want him getting the win for this season. But it may not even matter at this point because I haven’t seen a NXT winner yet make it past the mid-card.

5 minutes of WWEs shameless self promotions of everything from movies, to that “Streetfighter” like All-Stars game, and of course Wrestlemania and MORE Wrestlemania.

Pointless backstage slap-a-thon with Lucky, Maryse, and oh dear god Yoshi Tatsu. Like how WWE thinks it’s manly to have Yoshi slap Lucky who is already walking around with female length hair, plus a purple and pink fluffy robe is beyond me!

EVEN MORE Wrestlemania pandering. Fun Fact: WWE spends nearly 25 minutes of the 60 minute NXT promoting WWE swag, PPVs and movies. This pretty much makes NXT the world’s longest commercial disguised as a wrestling show.

Oh look wrestling is happening again.

Tag Match, JTG & Novak Vs. Kozlov & O’Brien………….with a twist. It’s a dance off.

My mistake–wrestling is not happening.

Because I mean why the hell should anyone wrestle in a wrestling ring when they can DANCE in one? This makes loads of sense. Regal, I begin to think REALLY doesn’t care for JTG by the way . Anyway, so WWE mashed-up some kinda electro-pop/disco mix, with JTG and Novak demonstrating what happens when seizures and music collide followed by Kozlov and O’Brian’s synchronized swimming routine that was just minus the water. The whole segment made me wish I did illegal substances, so I would forget what I had just witnessed at some point in the near future.

After that, I was ALMOST glad to see the Miz RAW rewind featuring his tinker toy defacing of the WWE Championship.

I hit fast forward on another ten minutes of WWE product/ego stroking.

Byron Saxton Vs. Lucky Cannon, I’m not even gonna make the mistake and call this wrestling because Lucky is in the ring (but at least he isn’t dancing). This match was so interesting for JTG and Hornswoggle that they played Tic-Tac-Toe (I call winners dang it!). Lucky dominated the entire match, if you can call it that. And I can’t figure out if he is getting heel heat because this weak gimmick is working for the audience or because people just find him to suck. Perhaps it is a bit of both.

When the hell do I start voting so some of these dudes can get lost back in FCW again?